ben wakeman : : Journal

One Month Since My Last Confession

October 20, 2003

Well, I'm back. So much for keeping a daily journal. I took a little one month breather. I love the autumn. Something about this time of year wakes me up inside -- I see and feel things in a way that I don't during the rest of the year. There's a feeling of industry, a rekindling of passion, a renewed sense of my place in the world. I hear more music in this three month period than the other nine months combined. So this partly explains my one month away --- i've been busy trying to capture all of the ideas that I can.

I had a wonderful weekend with Ian. He is growing up so fast that it hurts me sometimes. He takes things in and processes them -- figures them out and makes them his own. I will talk to him -- teach him and think he is paying no attention whatsoever and then I will see him take what he has learned and use it in a way that would never have occured to me. He is an original spirit. We spent most of yesterday sorting through his enormous bin of Legos. There must have been over 10,000! We organized them by color and function so he will have an easier time making new creations.

These are sweet days for Catherine and I as well. Our love for each other deepens with every passing year. Sometimes when I see her after a long day I can't believe how beautiful she is and that she really is my wife. If growing older means awakening to the reality of what you have and how much there is to celebrate in the little routines that make a life, I'm no longer afraid of it. My twenties were a frenetic scramble of insecurity and gut-turning reaching for something unattainable. It's nice to be still. To be happy. To be loved.