ben wakeman : : Journal

Balance

September 8, 2003

Another action packed weekend for the Wakemans. Soccer games, playdates, Screen Door gigs --- there is never a dull moment. This is a good life --- a damned exhausting one, but good none the less.

As I watch my boys grow up, I become more aware of how amazing the process is. For something that seemingly takes so long and is so gradual, it seems to fly by. The challenges seem so insurmountable - learning to kick a soccer ball with the side of your foot, learning to read to yourself, learning to be patient; but suddenly you turn the corner and you cannot believe you ever thought any of it was hard. Watching Dylan and Ian take flight in their own way at their own pace is the greatest feeling.

Catherine is struggling as all mothers do with the letting go. She is such an amazing mother and she is so involved in every skinned knee, every cry in the night, every first thing. This morning she was prepping Ian for his first science test. "What is matter?" I am a lucky man.

The show went well last night. It's always hard to guage the success of outdoor shows for me because you don't get as much of a direct connection with the audience. We played well and I think people enjoyed it. I have a newfound confidence these days on stage. I am just more relaxed and I think I play a hell of a lot better. When I'm soloing now, I feel like I am able to do what I have always heard great soloist say they do all the time and that is to slow time down for those 8 to 12 bars and really shut everything else out.

I don't know where the music is going, but I do know that it is moving now and building up more speed than ever before. I find myself anxious at the possibility of commercial success. It's hard enough to maintain balance in a regular life. For me the most difficult part of playing music is the part that has nothing to do with playing music. The schmoozing, selling, pitching, workin' the crowd, lookin' like a rock star crap to me is the most difficult. I spent most of my life denying the importance of this shit, only to finally surrender and realize that it is a neccesary evil and unfortunately, it's THE most important part to most audiences. They don't want to hear some average looking Dad-type in a button down shirt and jeans sing songs with an acoustic guitar. they want to see some guy with lots of styling products in his hair wailing about fornication thinly veiled in a poor metaphor. Bottom line: they want a show. It's hopeless ;-)